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Leaving an abusive relationship

Leaving a violent or abusive relationship is not easy. Maybe you are still hoping that things will change or maybe you are afraid of what your partner might do if he finds out you are trying to leave. Whatever the reason, you probably feel like a prisoner, helpless. But there is help available. Resources are available for abused and battered women, such as shelters, even training centers to help you find you a job, legal services and childcare. You deserve to live without fear. Start by asking for help.

Why not leave? This is the question that many people ask when they learn that a woman is being abused. But if you are in an abusive relationship, you know that it is not that simple. Ending an important relationship is never easy. It’s even harder when you were isolated from family and friends, psychologically held down, demoralized, financially controlled and physically threatened.

Maybe you are at the stage when you are trying to decide whether to stay or to leave, and you feel confused, insecure, scared and tired. One moment, you desperately want to escape, and the next, you want to stay and endure everything just to save the relationship. Maybe you blame yourself for abuse or feel weak and ashamed because you stayed for so long. Do not get engulfed in confusion, guilt or self-blame. The only thing that matters is your safety.

If you are in an abusive relationship, remember:

  • It is not your fault for being beaten or mistreated.
  • You’re not to blame for your partner’s abusive behavior.
  • You deserve to be treated with respect
  • You deserve to live safely and have a happy life.
  • Your children deserve to live safely and lead a happy life.
  • You’re not alone! There are people who want to help you.

Making the decision to leave

During the time you are dealing with the decision to discontinue the abusive relationship or trying to save it, keep in mind the following things:

If you still hope that he will change… abuse will happen most likely again. Bullies have profound emotional and psychological problems. While change is not impossible, it is not quick, nor easy. And change can only happen if the abuser assumes full responsibility for his behavior, seeks professional treatment and ceases to blame yourself, his unhappy childhood, stress, work, drinking habits, or temperamental or abusive behavior.

If you think you can help the abuser change… It is normal to want to help your partner. You think you’re the only one who understands him and that it is your responsibility to solve his problems. But the truth is that staying and accepting repeated abuses reinforces the belief that he can afford more, that it is normal to have an abusive behavior. Instead of helping the abuser, you contribute to the problem.

If your partner has promised to stop behaving abusively… When faced with the consequences, abusers often plead for another chance, apologize, and promise to change. They may even believe what they say at the moment, but their real purpose is to stay in control and to stop you from leaving. Most of the times, they are quickly returning to their abusive behavior once they have been forgiven and are not concerned that you will leave or with the possible legal consequences.

If your partner has agreed to get help… Even if your partner goes to counseling, there is no guarantee that he will change. Many abusers, after the therapy hours required by you or the judge, still continue to be violent. If your partner has stopped, minimizes the problem or apologizes, that’s a good sign. But you have to make the decision based on who and how he is now, and not according to the person you hope he will become.

If you’re worried about what will happen to you if you leave… You may be afraid of what your partner may do or where to go, or how you can support your children. But do not let fear of the unknown keep you in a dangerous unhealthy situation.

Signs that your aggressor will NOT change:

He says he can not change unless you stay with him and support him.

He is trying to gain sympathy from you, your children, or family and friends.

Expects something from you in return for asking for help or changing himself.

Minimizes the abuse or denies how serious it truly was.

Continues to blame others for his behavior.

Says that you are actually the abusive one.

Forces you to go to couple counseling.

He will emotionally blackmail you saying that you owe him another chance.

You have to constantly insist on him continuing his treatment.

He presses you to make decisions on your relationship.

See Useful contacts for help.

Don’t wait until it’s too late!

 

 

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Necuvinte Association

Members of:

VOLUM Federation
FONSS
Rupem tăcerea despre violența sexuală
Women Against Violence Europe (WAVE)

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Necuvinte Association

Fiscal Code: 32386539

Bank Account IBAN: RO97RZBR0000060016228784

Bank: Raiffeisen BANK, Agency BUCUREȘTI

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Awards

2020 Award - The most involved NGO în promoting human rights - MAMA Awards Gala

2019 Award “Voice for Life”- Excellence Gala Sibiu

2018 European Crime Prevention Award - EUCPN for "Broken Wings" campaign

2018 Award "Learning to say STOP" - Awarding Public Participation Gala

2018 Award 3rd place - Civil Society Gala “Defending individual/collective rights" for "Broken Wings" campaign

2017 Public award for the most voted volunteer coordinator of 2017 - National Volunteer Gala

Award - United States Embassy - Women of Courage 2017 for the entire activity

Award 1st place Civil Society Gala 2017 "Defending individual/collective rights" for changing Law no 217/2003 - immediate protection for victims

2017 Diploma - Ministry for Public Consultation and Civic Dialogue for transparency in public policy decision-making

2017 Award for Civic Information and Prevention from the Ministry of Internal Affairs Publishing House - Legal and Civic Book Fair

2017 Diploma in the category of Civic Activism and Human Rights - National Volunteer Gala organized by the VOLUM Federation with the project "A life without violence - Preventive education"

Award - Woman of the Year 2015 from Avantaje Magazine for "Advocacy in Prevention of Violence against Women"

2014 Medal - Institute for Crime Research and Prevention / Romanian Police for the support given to the Romanian Police in the activity of crime prevention during 2014

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The vision of our organization is to promote the fundamental human rights, to bring justice and social change, hope and alternatives in crisis situations to all the victims of domestic violence.

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